Why the actual HELL do linguists exist?? щ(゜ロ゜щ) Do you wake up in the morning and think, "Hmm, how can I waste the world's time today by pretending I'm smart over WORD SOUNDS?" ٩(ఠ益ఠ)۶ NEWS FLASH: THE SHIT WE SHOULD CARE ABOUT REGARDING LANGUAGE ISNT HOW IT SOUNDS ꉂ (˵¯͒ꇴ¯͒˵) Like seriously (˶ˆᗜˆ˵) are they just here to invent retarded words for things we already do naturally? Who gives a fuck?? ≽^•⩊•^≼ You don't see people dissecting how birds chirp or how cats meow for a PhD, do you? Oh wait, they probably do, because academia is a CLOWNISH SHIT SHOW! ( ´ ▿ ` )
Linguistics is literally just making up a bunch of rules that nobody asked for and then acting like you're soooo smart for noticing that words rhyme or sound alike or whatever. "Syntax"? Oh, you mean WORD ORDER? Congrats, you noticed how people talk! ( ̷ ̷^⩊^ ̷ ̷) "Ohhh, look at me! I studied morphemes for 10 years! (≖ ‿ ≖)" Shut UP. Nobody cares about your weird little autistic nerd field bro ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ You’re just inventing rules for stuff that already works fine without you! ( ｰ̀дｰ́ )
And don’t even get me started on how smug they all are. (˶˃⤙˂˶) Like, ohhh, you speak five languages? Cool, but can you build a house? No? Thought so. Meanwhile, the rest of us are just trying to COMMUNICATE, and these clowns are over here writing 600-page papers about the sound of a "schwa." And don’t forget how they think they’re doing humanity some massive favor. ヾ(´〇)ﾉ “We’re preserving dying languages!” Uh okay cool, but maybe PRESERVE DYING HUMANS FIRST? ٩(๑^´๑)۶ Oh wait, you can’t, because you’re too busy writing a 300-page thesis on verb conjugations in some dialect no one even uses anymore! (ง'̀-'́)ง
Don’t even START on how these utter dweebs think they’re on the same level as physicists or biologists. (≧ω≦) THEY’RE NOT. Biologists cure cancer; linguists debate whether emojis are “real language.” (´Д`) The only thing “real” about linguistics is the pain I feel knowing it exists. (✿ノʘ╭╮ʘ)ノ 彡┻━┻
I can’t wait to hear your lecture on fucking glottalization and how it’s allegedly “crucial for understanding syntactic restructuring in a non-linear discourse continuum.” ಠ‿↼ OH REALLY, is it? IS IT? Is it THAT important? Because, honestly, I don’t give a flying morpheme about your little hyponymic relationships and the metaphysical underpinnings of the lexicon. I don't FUCKING CARE how diachronic or synchronic your PHONOTACTIC CONSTRAINTS are. (¬､¬) Take that whole lexical field theory and stick it up your (((highly specific nasal cavity sound))) because no one CARES!!! Language belongs to the PEOPLE not your stupid academic ECHO CHAMBER!
So please lecture me about cognitive linguistic distributional analysis and how it “reveals the underlying truth of human cognition,” while I laugh in your face as you discuss the pragmatics of situational referentiality and non-configurationality like that’s gonna stop me from laughing at your stupid ass. (⁎˃ᆺ˂)ノ～☆ You think you can deconstruct the meaning of meaning? I’ll deconstruct you with one simple phrase: GET A REAL JOB. 乁( •_• )ㄏ